Arms of Christ

So Brian is home.  It's still kind of crazy to see him but it's getting to be more normal for me.  He gave his homecoming talk this past Sunday and I have to say that he did an amazing job.  I was so proud of him.  He has grown up for sure and despite his doubting he is a really good speaker. So with him being home from a mission and carrying the spirit with him still has been making me ponder about my mission and coming home. I was so scared.  I was not ready to be immersed back into the world.  I remember crying when my plane was descending onto the St. George landing strip...and not because I was excited.  Don't think I wasn't excited to see my family because I was but I just knew that my mission was ending which meant that I had to remove my name tag and that the specific blessings associated with being a representative of Jesus Christ were going to be 'taken away from me'.  :)  And there were a lot of blessings...blessings and happinesses that I knew just wouldn't be the same.  Yes I knew that I could have almost the same things as on the mission if I just worked at it and of course I could and should still be a member missionary but I was being stubborn because it's just not the same, I don't care how much you try to convince me otherwise.  Tears.  Lots and lots of tears, for weeks afterwards and even months at random times.  I am not sure I really ever stopped crying about it randomly until after I met David and got seriously distracted.  Thank heavens.  Anyway, now I am troubled.  I am troubled because I have let my worst fear about coming home become a reality.  Stop reading if you aren't in the mood for some heavy reading.  I knew there was a real good chance that I'd slip and that I'd let go of who I'd become...I guess that's why I was so scared and sad.  But what kind of dork actually let's it happen?!  Me.  I was so right.  So right!!!  I have been home 3 years now and can honestly say that I haven't been able to keep up with a regular and consistent study regimen and temple attendance.  It's taken it's toll.  

Of course I haven't lost my testimony or anything drastic like that but I feel like it's been buried a little too deep. Lately I have been pondering about how this happened...And while doing this I can't say that I am surprised!  I mean look around us!  There is SO much going on all the time and if you're not careful, these things easily become distractions!!  Huge distractions!  The worst part is they don't appear to be distractions because most things in my life are not bad things...it's so much what of the apostles have been telling us lately about being too busy!  With good things!  The question I have to now ask myself is 'Is this good thing keeping me from doing a better thing that I should be doing?'  Lately the answer to that question is a resounding YES.  But worse than that there are the blatant things in my life that are obviously not good yet still seem to take precedent in my life.  One example is TV.  OOooooh how I hate and love it!  Life would be so much easier if things didn't 'appear' so grey.  I used quotation marks because I believe there is no grey area in the Gospel and that there is a right or wrong, simple as that.  But what I hate and have been realizing more and more is that Satan likes to throw in the illusion of grey.  He throws in bad things here and there enough to offend the spirit but not enough for you to realize right away what happened.  Grrrrrr!  

Conclusion?!  Get rid of it all.  Completely.  Why?  Because when the spirit is offended it leaves, when the spirit is gone future choices become harder and foggier and the chances of you making further bad choices is very high.  It's a downward spiral.  It reminds me of one of my favorite books, The Peacegiver.  There is a part in that book where the main character is given sort of a vision of how Satan binds his followers.  It starts out with a very soft and very light strand of flaxen silk that rubs gently against your skin almost so you don't even know it's there but before you know it it turns into a black, heavy, cold dark chain that binds and drags you down.  Fun huh?  Well I could be wrong and if anyone else has a better idea please let me know but for now I feel like I need to just get rid of it all for a while (like the mission) and that way the fog can clear out and I will be able to see clearly and start fresh.  Another word for this I guess is repentance.  

Ah repentance.  What a blessing.  It's the strangest thing.  I don't fully understand it of course but what I do understand of the Atonement of Jesus Christ is this....I am on this earth for a very good purpose.  I make mistakes and bad decisions, we all do.  Apart from my mistakes there is just sorrow and sadness in the world.  And if we were all on this earth, put here to defend for ourselves without the amazing gift of the saviors atonement, I can hardly and hardly want to imagine what it would be like.  We're told in the scriptures it'd be pretty bad.  We'd have no hope.  Those chains of Satan would never get thrown off.  Wow. How do you thank someone for such a gift?!  To me it's impossible and I'll always be in debt to my Savior but all He wants from me is for me to keep his commandments and feed his sheep.  Fair trade?! Not! But yet it is still hard to do....

What a miracle.  What a beautiful world we live in with our Savior by our side.  All we have to do is invite him in.  He is my Salvation.  He is the reason for rejoice and for happiness.  He is always waiting and I am so grateful He is still waiting for me.  I love Him so much.  Always.  I am so sorry that I have forgotten so many things and have allowed myself to become distracted from the most important things this life has to offer.  My mission was such a turning point in my life and I learned so many things about life and about myself and about the Great Plan of Salvation our Father has for us.  It made me a different person, a better person and someone I believe Heavenly Father expects more out of.  Thank goodness that I can repent and change.  We all can.  Because of Him.