Birth of Benjamin Clark Sherwood 2-6-12

Two weeks ago when we went to Ben's 6 week appointment with Chris I was more nervous than I was last week.  I was confident that he was gaining weight...he just looked bigger and I swear when I picked him up he felt heavier!  So when we placed him on the scale and he had actually lost 2 ounces my heart dropped.  We all looked at eachother in shock.  Chis kept saying over and over, 'I don't know what's going on?! He looks and acts so healthy!'  And he does.  Who knows what's going on but we're (me most of all) are trying not to worry about him, he just needs to gain some weight. SO!  We've done what I've never wanted to do, went out and bought formula. We're supposed to 'top him off' after each feeding with formula.  But Chris also lent us her amazing electrical pump so that we can get an idea of how much I am producing.  We have been using this to supplement with breast milk instead of formula when we can but it turns out that I just am not producing enough!  What a terrible feeling.  Yes I know, I shouldn't be beating myself up about it and it's not my fault and doesn't mean that I am a terrible mother but it still hurts and feels bad that I can't provide what's necessary for my little one.  Last night while my husband was out buying said formula and I was watching a very impatient and frustrated Ben nurse, I broke down.  I am sorry baby...I am so sorry that I can't provide you with an abundance of what's best for you.  BUT I am being optimistic!  With the breast pump, an increase in caloric intake and continuing dietary brewers yeast I believe that I will be able to increase my milk production and Ben will eventually be exclusively breastfed again!
Today we go see Chris again to put him on the scale.  We'll be crossing our fingers!!

Here are the things I am grateful for from this little experience...1)Formula! If it weren't for formula, my poor baby maybe just wouldn't reach his full potential?! 2)A healthy baby boy. 3)David's enjoyment and contentment as he now gets to assist in feeding Ben with a bottle.  4)The wonderful people around me supporting me and helping me! 5)My amazing little son who right when I am down in the dumps with worry and guilt looks me straight in the eye and smiles the sweetest and most genuine smile I've seen in this world.  My tears turn from tears of sadness to tears of pure joy and I know we'll be ok...he'll be ok.

OK-that's my sob story....now I am going to brag!!! This little guy is a freaking genius!!!!  He is so advanced it's scary.  This morning after I fed him I set him on my lap and I grabbed a book.  I opened it up in front of him and instantly he was focused in on the pictures.  I watched his eyes as he looked at the pages.  He would slowly observe everything on the one page and move across to the other page and observe everything on that page too!  This particular book was about animals so every page had one animal on it but that last page just had a bunch of little animals all over both pages, kind of like a review and I watched my little 6 week old go from each little animal to the next taking it all in!  It was crazy!  And on top of all that, he had his hand outreached and kept touching the book and even almost grabbing the pages!  The only reason I don't think it was just coincidence was because of his focus!  For a minute there as I was reading off the names of these animals I imagined a 2 year old inside this 6 week old body...it was weird.  He is way too smart already.

The next thing that I just HAVE to get on camera is when he copycats!  He did it last night really good with his dad and a little this morning with me.  It was hands down the cutest thing I've ever seen.  Ok so David had him in his arms kinda leaning back up against his legs but propped up more and David started to just poke his tongue out and in kind of fast and Ben started doing it!  It was so funny!  David would do it and Ben would watch him and then when David stopped Ben would do it!  His little tongue would come in and out of his mouth all fast and then he got this smile on his face afterwards like he thought it was the funniest thing in the world.  This went on and on for like a minute!  I seriously almost died from happiness.  It was so cute!!!  And I realize this may not be very funny or cute to anyone out there reading but that's OK!  It's good to record this stuff for posterity right? :)  And if you don't have kids yet, you'll understand when you do. 

So what have I learned?  That I can't wallow in my guilt and sorrow because things are going to be OK, even if he does eat formula for a while...or forever heaven forbid.  And that he is going to be OK and he is so happy that nothing could possible by wrong with him.  I am blessed and my son is a genius.  :)